Losing Weight - What Does It Change?

I am pleased to report that I have lost 32 pounds. It is an amazing thing, in and of itself, since it is so difficult for me to lose with my hormone therapy (post cancer drug that sucks the estrogen out of me!) So now, I am beginning to look at myself and evaluate the changes, and the things that haven't changed. First, I've always worn a rather camouflaged look. Long, tunic tops. Nothing form fitting. No ruffles. No sleeveless. Always cover the belly and hide the cleavage. I find that I still prefer this style of dress. And as I hid my body as it grew, I still hide my body as it shrinks. I'm trying to get into a different mindset and look at more form fitted clothes, but old habits are very hard to change. And then there is the issue of middle age bulge. That nice little tire, muffin top, love handle ~ whatever you want to call it ~ continues to haunt me. Thus, the tunic tops. The other unwelcome change? As you lose weight, when you are no longer young and 'elastic', your face begins to show every wrinkle and crinkle on your paper-thin skin. So, you ask yourself, "Is this worth it? What ARE the good things about denying myself that Krispy Kreme donut?"

I must say I've discovered some disturbing things about my psyche. I think I'm fat when I look in the mirror, no matter how much I weigh. I think people are describing me as fat. I feel fat when I eat. I am so critical of myself. I want to develop a more honest approach with me. I have to banish old thinking and learn to love who I am, no matter what I look like. And then there is the control bug! I need to be in control. Even if I'm losing weight, if I eat too many almonds or an extra dinner roll, I awaken so depressed in the morning. I feel like an utter failure. I can't seem to cut myself a break! I want to develop a healthier attitude about what is and isn't important. I want to make conscious choices and decisions but give myself some flexibility. Lastly, I've realized that I need constant positive feedback from others. If my daughter comes home from college and doesn't say anything, I start questioning what I look like. I need my husband to comment on how well I'm doing. To praise me and compliment me. This realization gives me the heebie-jeebies! Where did this insecurity come from?

Yes, losing weight has brought about some changes I didn't expect. I have discovered so much about my thinking and the mind-games my subconscious is playing. I know I still have so much to learn. I now realize I want to change so much more than my body.

Next post to come - what is FUN about losing weight!